Saturday, September 12, 2009

The incessant ramblings of a simple minded schmo

I know it's just me whining, but what the hell. It's my blog.
Does anyone realize just how hard it is to follow a dream? How hard it is to put important things aside to reach one's goal? I got kicked in the nuts by reality yet again today as my daughter's birthday was to be celebrated and I was trying to sell artwork to get money for a gift. I am unemployed and one reason is because I can't get hired by anyone. Another reason is that if I have a job, how will that affect my working as an artist? And that's it right there. I've worked my whole life (though a short life, I realize) trying to make it as an artist or be discovered, to no avail. I am too stubborn to move because I have this ridiculous notion that if I keep working at it, I WILL become a successful artist out of a small town. I keep referring to the "Ralph Cramden" syndrome, where I get these hair-brained ideas of how to succeed or make money, with a wife behind me rolling her eyes, with just cause. She has seen the ups and downs of my experiences and has grown weary of the downs. The ups justify the downs, I say, but usually only for a brief while. I have become a bit of a star chaser, in that if I catch wind of celebrity, I whip up something to try and grab their attention, in hopes of making a connection or being discovered. This isn't ALWAYS the case. Alot of times I am genuinely inspired by someone and wish to convey my appreciation of what they do or have done. My way to show appreciation is through my artwork.
One of the things which drive me in my pursuit of this career in art is inspiration. I FEEL inspired just thinking of the fact that I have met some of the great men who have inspired me in life. Through my artwork I have met the man who inspired me to draw as a child. Through my artwork I have spoken eye to eye with the man who continues to create music that lifts my spirits and has since junior high. How can someone not feel good when hearing that?
Another thing that pushes me to continue is the same thing I fear. I don't want to let my kids down. I don't want to tell them to never give up and reach for their stars when I, myself have given up. That is why I won't give up. I need to be strong for them. I need to prove to them now and in the future that what daddy is working for is what he loves. But at the same time, to be an artist in this day and age is to struggle and compete and live with failure in hopes that success will be found. The emotional battle that is to be embarked on takes its toll on a person, when the purpose of their livelihood is to capture another's attention with something they created and make a living off of that slim chance that other person's interest is piqued enough to invest in something as unimportant to everyday life as a portrait.
And why am I trying to do a documentary of myself and my "career"? Because every so often, someone tells me that they are inspired by my stories of meeting the man who got me into drawing or the musicians who burn their songs into my mind. Somebody who doesn't know better says my children must be proud of me. For me, the drive is the inspirations which lead to the drawing board. I have seen various documentaries that have inspired me to want to tell my story. I recently met a woman who is building my need to meet my final inspiration, the last man on my "If I could meet anyone, who would it be?" list. It builds inside, then something pulls the pillars away and teeters my motivation.
That's about all for now. Just needed to vent.

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